The Color Of Clear

~ dedicated to the children of tomorrow and our friends from days past ~

Pain is the color of clear.
No one can see it but me.
I have it locked up in my body
So no one can feel my fear.

What is the color of clear?
It is the shade of a hundred pictures,
A thousand feelings, a million thoughts.
Emotions revolving around caricatures,
In search of the ideal I’ve been taught:
The perfect angel floating in air.

I distance myself from reality,
Guarding secrets I must hide–
My life, my confidentiality;
No one sees me cry at night.
Hurting myself in sorrow,
Wishing for a better tomorrow–
Imperfection is brutality.

What I see is what I’ll be:
The model student that everyone loves.
The hidden angel inside of me
One day will emerge and fly with doves.

Suicide seems sweet and I have tried,
Punishing myself by day and night.
While my doctor proclaims I’m ill,
Mom weeps aloud as Dad stands still.
I know that I have shamed their pride.

I will try to everyone’s delight,
Sink with gravity and lose this fight,
And in losing, end my woeful plight,
And live to see tomorrow bright.

With all the pain I’ve had to bear,
I feel lost and crushed inside.
I still seek out corners to hide.
Life is not one very smooth ride,
But it is better than having died.

To Deception, I have complied,
Using Paragon as my guide.
I’ve lied and cried, but now I decide
To live what I have self-denied,
And free this pain so crystal clear;
I will give life one more try.

My mind may still engage in mental strife,
But I am so happy to be alive!

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